Monthly Archives: October 2011

Missing my best friend(s)

Life has scattered us around this big ol’ sunny state.

But my happiness lies in knowing that our friendship is not a function of physical distance and constant communication. Our friendship is strong because we have too many memories holding us like superglue, too many laughs that still warm our hearts, and too many shared sorrows that have united us in facing life and all of its surprises…

Our hearts will always have room for eachother.

Is this cheesy? Perhaps. But I can’t help being thankful for being blessed with such amazing friends.

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Thoughts from a messy mind: Lessons Learned from Henry

June 3, 2011

He swims and splashes

Without a care in the world.

He makes a scene when he wants his water changed

And he stares when he wants me to feed him

Now tell me that fish are not intelligent creatures.

I feed him, I love him, I care for him.

He trusts me.

It took him a while – in the beginning, he would sit at the bottom of his bowl, facing the window.

He wouldn’t play, he wouldn’t  play his little game of bubbles.

He just sat, and sulked.

It made me sad to see him so sad.

I thought of returning him to the store tank, full of fellow goldfish.

But the thought of returning him to that gross tank, where his friends float upside down within days..scared me, made me change my mind.

I thought of getting him a friend, but his bowl is just too small for two fish, and there was no way I had the time to manage a full on aquarium.

So now he was sad and I was sadder.

And I felt like there was nothing I could do.

So I went on making sure his home was clean and he was fed – the basics of survival.

A few weeks passed, and Henry began to trust me.

His dependence on me for food and clean water was obviously one of the reasons.

But I believe he began to know that I cared for him – because I provided him with his needs every single day.

He plays with me, and he likes to show off how fast he can swim when I’m near his fishbowl.

I can feel his happiness, and it makes me smile.

“Calm down, he’s just a fish” – that’s what my friends and family seem to tell me everyday.

No, he’s not “just a fish.”

He is my very first pet.

I assumed responsibility for him, and I have succeeded.

This new responsibility shows me how dependent all living things are.

Yes, humans may be “intelligent creatures.”

But at the end of the day, the only thing that matters for our physical survival is food and a safe environment.

We may be able to invent all sorts of cool, techy things, but without the basics, we are pretty much hopeless.

I am dependent on God.

He provides for me. I trust Him.

Not only does He provide me with the basics, but he provides me with friendship, wisdom, and love.

His provisions are immeasurable.

Why not trust and befriend the one who has loved me first, who will never, ever leave?


Thoughts from a messy mind: Just People

My life is full of impossible friendships
That turned into growing, loving relationships.

First impressions may be something, but by no means are they everything.

My best friend – we started as mere acquaintances, just two people with common friends;
My boyfriend – we started as nobodies who met each other randomly, and later ran into each other through mutual friend gatherings;
Two very different people.

But in life, just because you know what you want doesn’t mean that that’s what is right for you.
Sometimes knowing what you want is less important than knowing what you don’t want at all.

Thousands of people enter and exit our lives, but those who stay – whether due to the fact that they live in close proximity, or they become people we do not like, or they become our close friends, or those who are something in between – those who stay for whatever reason: they become of value to our own lives.

This value we may not fully understand; especially after things such as heartbreak, betrayal, and lost love.  But there is value, no doubt.

So next time you meet someone and they don’t strike you as “friend material,” give them a chance – no matter what you have heard about them.

Give chances, discover people yourself and do not be quick to pass judgments based on the talk that you have heard about them.

Situations change people. Friendships change people. God changes people.

So why hold something against someone who has not had the chance yet to show you who they are and what they value.

People are mysteries.

Friends are treasures.


July 30, 2011 – Fighting for a lost cause.

It’s 1 A.M. and I am crying a little, dying a little.
Being a woman is work, becoming a woman is torture.

Living in a world where equality is either ignored, attacked, or taken lightly
Living amongst people who refuse to be logical and fair
Living in a society where laws seem to be necessary in defining more than just our morals, but our lives.

Expectations and demands add constant pressure
Routine body aches
Waiting for these to subside.

All of this struggle and all of this pain,
And what for?

Life is too temporary, life is too hard.

“To leave a lasting impact, to save the future generations from this injustice”
But are my tears worth leaving a mark on this temporary world with its temporary people?

“Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless” – can this really be true?

 


Loneliness – a personal reflection.

Loneliness does not only arise from a lack of social interactions,
It is not merely a feeling of solitude and emptiness,
It is  not a condition that another human being can eradicate for us.

Loneliness comes from within.
It’s something like: emotional isolation, a deficiency in self motivation, and the presence of negative energy.
Loneliness does not require the physical state of being alone.

Loneliness is the effect.
It is caused by unhealthy levels of self-criticism, denial, and fear.
Constant evaluation and reevaluation of self-worth based on societal standards.
The denial of one’s own desires and needs in order to conform and strive to some imagined definition of success.
The irrational fear of being judged and betrayed prevents the construction of real, honest, healthy relationships.

The solution?
I do not know.
Perhaps to set fears aside, to open up to people regardless of where that may lead, to strive for individual goals and define success for oneself, to love oneself, to live and interact in this world in such a way that ignites a thrill for living, loving, and creating one’s own happiness.
What is there to lose?

My solution?
The One and Only – Jesus Christ and his perfect will for me.

 


Empty Words.

Empty words cannot fix a broken heart.
Empty words cannot end an argument or misunderstanding.
Empty words cannot change the world.
Empty words do not give hope.

Sometimes we talk just for the sake of talking. We just say anything and everything – things we mean and things we don’t. We all love to talk, especially if someone is listening.

What comes to mind is uttering phrases, words, and sentences that we really don’t mean. We use these words not because we want to say them, but because we are being mannered and nice. They aren’t exactly lies, but we’re not exactly telling the truth either. Mere emptiness. These words are of no value, yet we let them escape into the air, and stay there forever.

Why?

Everyone wants to be polite. So we say things like “Thank you” at the cash register even though the individual’s customer service was absolutely horrible. We smile a toothy smile and run out, muttering under our breath about never returning.
Now I’m not saying we should yell or anything, because we should always control our temper. However, what I’m saying is that our feelings and thoughts should reflect the words that come out of our mouths. Our pretty words should be full of pretty thoughts.
If I say “Thank you” to the rude sales associate, I must, somewhere in my little human heart, find room to be thankful for at least something.

Emptiness is chaos, hatred, anger.
Empty words are lies, hollow promises, false excuses.
Empty words flow from those whose hearts are empty and wish to remain that way.
Empty words are destruction, they are useless.

So today, I am reevaluating my approach at all the bad stuff that happens to me. I am letting it go, I am accepting all of my troubles as challenges. I am filling my heart with hope, and filling my words with meaning, sincere meaning that comes from my heart. And if my thoughts are not kind, I will change them before I let them escape through my lips. If my words are empty, I will fill them with love.


Confessions of an Ex-Best Friend. (Forgiveness)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010.
Confessions of an Ex-Best friend (a letter to a former friend of nine years)

Young, restless, free.
Running, spinning, safe
From boredom and tears
But not loss. – Me.

I ask few questions,
But many lies flood my ears in return.

Deceived, betrayed
You’re only hurting yourself, you think,
But look how you’ve pushed me
Away from your life,
And your actions have pulled you away from mine.

At least I remember the girl I once knew,
Who stole my likes and dislikes,
But who was never a fool.

Never expect people to stay the same. Don’t judge them for changing…

But you didn’t change for yourself,

You changed for attention and drama and problems
And for something to do.
Potential, brains, love, friends, family – all remained
Yet it wasn’t enough, it’s never enough for you

Is it?

“Honestly, I’m almost done” remember that line?
Done what? You never said anything about starting,
And now you race to the finish with your pupils dilated
And your body too thin, and the smell the smell the smell,
Hands shaking, answering calls, running around
Always late, never time to breathe, never a time to care about others
Friendship is a two way deal, and ours is a lost cause

I tried, you lied, I tried, you lied, I quit.

There’s no sugar coating it, I deserved a better friend

And you deserved my trying and attempts to help.
You got what you deserved,
But you tossed it aside in your “busy” life
Full of emptiness and fear.

I’m gone, going out to wander, and to let who I deserve find me.
Life is too short to stick around and be walked all over.

Life is too beautiful to surround oneself with people who cannot appreciate its natural highs and lows and colors and situations.
Life is too precious to spend it running and not caring about those who matter.

Life is life, and I’m planning on living it the way I’ve never even dreamed of living it.

And if by any chance you want to be a part of this beautiful mess called my life

There is room for you in my heart still, there will always be room for you.  But I have higher expectations than I did when I was nine.