I don’t like reflecting on my days, weeks, or years. I have realized that the reason I dislike reminiscing is because I remember so little. This realization makes me sad, because I know I have had such wonderful experiences, I have met extraordinary people, and I have made memories with family and friends. I am filled with great sorrow – as I cannot seem to remember so many things that have filled my days, my life, my heart. The good and the bad both disappear from my memory. I sit and I wonder, but I remain clueless.
Lost. That’s how I feel. I feel like life has tricked me into happiness and tricked me into anguish, but has not granted my brain the permission to access the memories.
I feel like time has left me with the recollection of experienced emotions, but has deprived me of any sort of context.
This involuntary dismissal of the past has taught me a very important lesson:
All success and all failure is temporary.
All joy and all sorrow is passing.
Time is finite and opportunity is limitless.
So do what you need to do and do it for you,
And later, when you cannot recall exactly what happened,
You’ll know that you were truly happy.
I don’t have much to give you.
So I promise you my attention, my love, my friendship, my compassion, my help, my best.
But everything that’s “mine” is imperfect and perhaps not nearly up to par with what you deserve.
I’m giving you my heart, and that’s all I’ve got.
My heart has slightly cracked, but it’s a new kind of sadness.
The kind that twists my brain in knots and covers my skin in goosebumps.
But from this pain I know: I am not broken.
I am not the first nor the last to be lied to.
I am not the only human being that has been disappointed by someone dear to me.
I am not the only girl who has lost trust in something once so beautiful, something I once held very close to my heart.
But from this pain I have learned a lesson.
No: I will not harden my feelings, I will neither refuse to love nor trust.
I will always and forever favor burdensome truth over ignorance and lies.
I will not hate or injure or retaliate.
I will forgive.
Or rather, I will learn to forgive.
I am taking this as a life lesson on patience and love and kindness and forgiveness.
I cannot forget, but I refuse to let this one moment redefine someone I once treasured.
And from all of this I have learned the following lessons for myself and my relationships:
Do not disappoint and disrespect those who value your presence in their life.
Constantly forgive, but also realize when your forgiveness has been taken for granted…and if it has – still forgive, but walk away.
Allow your heart and mind to reach a compromise – following only one or the other is never a bright idea.
Do not ever allow this world and its people to make your heart cold, your temper hot, your walls high.
Love, always love. Regardless.