Tag Archives: God

11242012 – The Storm

Thundering laughter,

Always a smile before the storm.

At ease, at peace, together.

pure bliss.

Thank God we did not know, that it would soon end

and we’d spend the rest of our lives

Longing, missing, reminiscing.

Living through a different storm

consisting of your absence.

No thunder, no lighting,

Just rain.


11162012 – Peace and War

In the silence, in the rain, on a rough day.

All I can see is your smile. All i can hear is your laugh.

I smile, as tears run down my face.

Just like you smiled, when you held my face with your calloused hands, as you kissed my cheeks.

As I talked on and made promises I could never keep, you just nodded.

You nodded, hugged, cried, laughed.

You may be Resting in Peace, but your Love Fights my Wars.

It always wins.


Don’t push me.

I’m very determined and goal-oriented. My goals change periodically, and I think that’s okay. I’m learning about myself every step of the way. It would be foolish to cling to a dream I no longer look forward to. Thus, I am learning and shuffling my life around to make room for things, people, and plans that enchant me.

And then I’m confronted with my culture.
My culture that doesn’t force me to do anything, but whose participants are constantly asking the same questions and are worried about the same things. I know that those who love me wish the very best for me. I have been blessed beyond measure with family and friends who are so supportive, caring, and inspirational. But even these very special people in my life are sometimes caught up in our culture – the one that doesn’t intentionally want to cause me harm, but it’s doing so anyway.

“When are you getting married? So and so is…so and so had a baby…Why not?”

At first, I laughed it all off. I’d answer with truth and they’d be concerned. But I’d laugh because I didn’t know what else to do, and because to me, it all seemed obnoxious and ridiculous. To me, it still feels like a question I shouldn’t be asked more than 20 times a month, because I’m young and free and that’s just how I like it. My relationship doesn’t have to be heading in the “I do” direction, because it’s in a great place as it is. Besides, that’s my business. It’s my life and I am allowed to do what I want.

They understand that. They wouldn’t force me to do anything, but their constant nudging and questioning is finally getting to me, but not in the way they want it to get to me.

It’s just making me feel like everything else I do is not important.
It’s making me feel like who I am is not enough.

And I’m not changing my mind about what I want, just because other people ask me questions. That would not be honest to my own self. I am holding tight onto what I want and where I’m going. I ask them to stop – and it’s not stopping. Well, I’m not stopping either.


Personal Update

Less than two weeks ago, I took my final exams for the semester. I cannot believe how fast time seems to run, and how much I have learned this year. During the exam season, I tend to become overly stressed out and full of self-doubt. It’s a really bad habit, but a high-stress environment messes with my brain. So I went home. I went home, I sat in my swimsuit in my backyard, I let the sun warm my skin and homemade iced tea lemonade to quench my thirst, and I filled every empty pocket in my brain with calculus, economics, and legal history. It sounds kind of awful, doesn’t it? But I had so much fun with my books, calculator, and computer. My family was there to encourage me, and this encouraging and nurturing environment enabled me to build up the little self-confidence I had.

I aced those finals. I saw my grades at one o’clock in the morning last week and squealed with joy, in a car with two of my best friends. I still cannot believe that all that work paid off.

A little confidence can really go a long way.

After my finals, I went back to my hometown for a week. I spent days in the sun with people I love. I ate yummy food. I sat amazed at how good it felt to just be alive.

Happiness consists of being fully alive.

I am currently back at my studies. It will be a difficult six weeks, but I am looking forward to continuing my summer vacation in July.

I apologize for the delay in my blogging. I felt that it would be slightly hypocritical to write about happiness at a time in which happiness seemed to be completely out of my grasp. But it wasn’t. Happiness was always right there, I was just too afraid of failure to embrace it.

I resolve to have a little faith in myself, and a whole lot of faith in God. 


Find it and keep it.

Your happiness is yours.
You can keep it, hide it, share it, give it away.

But I suggest you keep it.
Hold onto it as long as you can.

If you hide it – you might forget exactly where you placed it.
If you share it – a fragment of your Happiness will no longer belong to only you.
If you give it away – there is no guarantee that the recipient will value it, because your happiness is best understood and most effective when it belongs to you.

Find happiness.

Keep it.

And if you love someone, encourage them to find theirs – whatever that may consists of.

03192012

This is where my hope and happiness was found, shared, hidden, broken, and ultimately restored.


Peaceful sunsets

I’m constantly surrounded by people, and this tends to inhibit my ability to think clearly about things I want to think about. So, today, I had dinner with myself.

I sat in the balcony with my favorite Italian pasta dish from a small restaurant down the street.
I faced San Francisco and the setting sun.
The beauty of it all overwhelmed me.
It was chilly and bright and quiet –
The cool wind kept me company and drew me back to reality every time my mind drifted too far.

And I liked it.
I realized that lately I have become so critical of myself.
I have let failures fracture my self-esteem and confidence.
I have let stressful situations and insecurities break my convictions in the beauties of life.

My little date with myself and my thoughts made me love myself more.
It made me sure of who I am and what I want to do.
It made me forgive myself and others –
It gave me the opportunity to fall in love with my life again.

Life is not easy. I think we all learn that very quickly in the process of growing up.
But oh my God, it is so beautiful –
And I’ve spent too long doubting, criticizing,  over-analyzing everything.

I’m at peace – with the world, with my struggles, with the hurdles I must jump to get to where I need to be.
I’m giving everything I care for one hundred percent of my effort, 
But I’m setting higher standards for the way I treat myself.

03072012

Spring 2011.


Forgetting – the involuntary dismissal of the past

I don’t like reflecting on my days, weeks,  or years. I have realized that the reason I dislike reminiscing is because I remember so little. This realization makes  me sad, because I know I have had such wonderful experiences, I have met extraordinary people, and I have made memories with family and friends. I am filled with great sorrow – as I cannot seem to remember so many things that have filled my days, my life, my heart. The good and the bad both disappear from my memory. I sit and I wonder, but I remain clueless.

Lost. That’s how I feel. I feel like life has tricked me into happiness and tricked me into anguish, but has not granted my brain the permission to access the memories.
I feel like time has left me with the recollection of experienced emotions, but has deprived me of any sort of context.

This involuntary dismissal of the past has taught me a very important lesson:

All success and all failure is temporary.
All joy and all sorrow is  passing.
Time is finite and opportunity is limitless.
So do what you need to do and do it for you,
And later, when you cannot recall exactly what happened,
You’ll know that you were truly happy.

02242012