Tag Archives: heartache

04142013 The Fear

Nothing was your fault,
Nothing real was disputed. 
I let myself
Or rather forced myself to slip away.
At a distance I watched, and you struggled to pull me back in.

But I was too far.
My mind was made up – at a distance I would remain.
I would be a bystander to our relationship. 

It consumed me.
My distance was beyond my control.
I was scared. I didn’t know the way back
I could see you. I could hear you.
But I was stuck.
And everything was falling apart
and I thought I couldn’t save it.

I’m sorry.
I’m back, I swear.
You don’t have to do this on your own.


12172012 – Not there

Glistening, colorful lights.
Hot, sweet lattes.
Cold, loud nights.

Laughter.
Friends.
Joy.
Why is my heart a galaxy away?

Image


06192012

Amiss

A mess

Capacious truth.

Neglected

Rejected

Suspicions Confirmed.


Don’t push me.

I’m very determined and goal-oriented. My goals change periodically, and I think that’s okay. I’m learning about myself every step of the way. It would be foolish to cling to a dream I no longer look forward to. Thus, I am learning and shuffling my life around to make room for things, people, and plans that enchant me.

And then I’m confronted with my culture.
My culture that doesn’t force me to do anything, but whose participants are constantly asking the same questions and are worried about the same things. I know that those who love me wish the very best for me. I have been blessed beyond measure with family and friends who are so supportive, caring, and inspirational. But even these very special people in my life are sometimes caught up in our culture – the one that doesn’t intentionally want to cause me harm, but it’s doing so anyway.

“When are you getting married? So and so is…so and so had a baby…Why not?”

At first, I laughed it all off. I’d answer with truth and they’d be concerned. But I’d laugh because I didn’t know what else to do, and because to me, it all seemed obnoxious and ridiculous. To me, it still feels like a question I shouldn’t be asked more than 20 times a month, because I’m young and free and that’s just how I like it. My relationship doesn’t have to be heading in the “I do” direction, because it’s in a great place as it is. Besides, that’s my business. It’s my life and I am allowed to do what I want.

They understand that. They wouldn’t force me to do anything, but their constant nudging and questioning is finally getting to me, but not in the way they want it to get to me.

It’s just making me feel like everything else I do is not important.
It’s making me feel like who I am is not enough.

And I’m not changing my mind about what I want, just because other people ask me questions. That would not be honest to my own self. I am holding tight onto what I want and where I’m going. I ask them to stop – and it’s not stopping. Well, I’m not stopping either.


Promises

You said “I will”
You said “I promise”
You said you’d try your best.

And as those words came through your lips,
I smiled a sad smile –
I knew how rarely promises were kept,
I knew I didn’t like them for that reason.

And these promises weren’t even about big, important things.
They were little, ordinary assurances
You broke them and honey I believe in signs –
No, I’m not angry, but my trust in your words has sunk a little further.

Perhaps this is me overreacting.
Perhaps you are incapable of keeping your word.
Promises, promises, promises –
Please don’t make them, and save everyone the hurt.

02262012


Reflection: Needing Others

What I believed until about five minutes ago:
Nobody needs anybody else. I mean, sure, we like having certain people in our lives and cannot imagine our worlds without them. But we can and will survive without their presence, and they will and can survive without ours. It’s depressing and we don’t like acknowledging that our relationships are not necessary, lasting, irreplaceable. We get used to people. Their presence in our memories makes them appear to be essential characters in the story we call Life. Without the characters and their interactions with ourselves – we cease to believe in the existence of the story, and in the lonesome state, we discard the value associated with our own character. Regardless, we live and breathe on. The innate desire to live ignites our fallen spirits, and we find happiness in other places. We build new relationships, and once again – we believe we need them. Perhaps it’s difficult to admit that we are creatures forever solitary, and thus, we attempt to forge needs – and with them comes an irrational dependence on mortal relationships.

What I believe now:
Needs are those things which are required for our well-being. Needs are not necessarily only the substances and conditions we need to simply survive, but also conditions under which we have the ability to thrive. When one is in “need” – one requires some sort of relief. Therefore, needs are not clearly defined. So do we need certain people? Yes. We need their love, compassion, their friendship. We need their perfections and flaws, we need their criticism, thoughts, support, and presence in our lives. We know we need them when they are not present – we feel it, we hate it, we ache for their love. Although life goes on, regardless of their whereabouts, we know something is not right when they are gone. Just because we learn to live without them, doesn’t mean we don’t need them. As much as we tell ourselves that we can be completely independent, I don’t think we ever actually believe ourselves. Life is this unifying experience – we’re all new to it, we don’t really know what we’re doing, and we don’t really know where we’re going. We’re in it together and we need each other, because even though happiness is a personal endeavor, it’s easier to find when surrounded by those who have become indispensable to our worlds.