Nothing was your fault,
Nothing real was disputed.
I let myself
Or rather forced myself to slip away.
At a distance I watched, and you struggled to pull me back in.
But I was too far.
My mind was made up – at a distance I would remain.
I would be a bystander to our relationship.
It consumed me.
My distance was beyond my control.
I was scared. I didn’t know the way back
I could see you. I could hear you.
But I was stuck.
And everything was falling apart
and I thought I couldn’t save it.
I’m back, I swear.
You don’t have to do this on your own.
Glistening, colorful lights.
Hot, sweet lattes.
Cold, loud nights.
Why is my heart a galaxy away?
I hear, see, observe the same thing.
On girls who are in love, in clouds.
On girls whose boys are not serious, too young.
On girls who have been in one relationship, for one month, for one moment.
To cure the disease that is doubt, perhaps.
Promises, like legal contracts, are only necessary when they are broken.
It’s been so long. It’s been too long.
I feel that words have been calling me, pulling me in, begging me to Let Them Be.
I mute them. I go on living. I attempt to have actual conversations with actual people.
I try to hide my journal and forget the passwords to my blogs.
I’ve been living in the Real World,
But my Real World Thoughts were undeveloped, unexpressed, and uninteresting to those I shared them with.
So I let these thoughts dance around in my mind before I went to sleep, while I doodled in my lecture hall, while I drove my car.
And this made me feel crazy. In my very real world, where I could not escape to the internet, I didn’t feel like I was fully engaged in my life. I was disinterested in the things happening around me. I was not impressed by all the things that should have impressed me. I was moody. I wanted to talk and listen to others talk about things that are probably not important, but so intriguing nonetheless.
I’m back to my internet community. I enjoy all the email correspondences, comments, feedback, and everything else from my followers and others who stop by to read what I write. It’s a shame that we’re scattered around the globe and cannot meet for coffee and deep talks.
Let’s pretend that life was different.
Let’s pretend you never asked me to wait.
Let’s pretend you had a little more confidence, I had a little more kindness, and we were both a lot more brave.
I really do miss our friendship, although I cannot honestly say that I think about it often.
At times like these, when I think about the past, purely for the purpose of reflection –
I question when and where we threw everything away.