In the silence, in the rain, on a rough day.
All I can see is your smile. All i can hear is your laugh.
I smile, as tears run down my face.
Just like you smiled, when you held my face with your calloused hands, as you kissed my cheeks.
As I talked on and made promises I could never keep, you just nodded.
You nodded, hugged, cried, laughed.
You may be Resting in Peace, but your Love Fights my Wars.
It always wins.
I saw your face, before I closed my eyes to sleep.
The image so crystal clear, I shrieked.
I felt like I could touch it,
But your skin, barely covering your bones, was too blue
And I was afraid.
My heart worked too hard,
As I attempted to breathe.
I forcefully closed my eyes, only to open them and find that I could still see you.
I saw you.
I don’t like reflecting on my days, weeks, or years. I have realized that the reason I dislike reminiscing is because I remember so little. This realization makes me sad, because I know I have had such wonderful experiences, I have met extraordinary people, and I have made memories with family and friends. I am filled with great sorrow – as I cannot seem to remember so many things that have filled my days, my life, my heart. The good and the bad both disappear from my memory. I sit and I wonder, but I remain clueless.
Lost. That’s how I feel. I feel like life has tricked me into happiness and tricked me into anguish, but has not granted my brain the permission to access the memories.
I feel like time has left me with the recollection of experienced emotions, but has deprived me of any sort of context.
This involuntary dismissal of the past has taught me a very important lesson:
All success and all failure is temporary.
All joy and all sorrow is passing.
Time is finite and opportunity is limitless.
So do what you need to do and do it for you,
And later, when you cannot recall exactly what happened,
You’ll know that you were truly happy.
What I believed until about five minutes ago:
Nobody needs anybody else. I mean, sure, we like having certain people in our lives and cannot imagine our worlds without them. But we can and will survive without their presence, and they will and can survive without ours. It’s depressing and we don’t like acknowledging that our relationships are not necessary, lasting, irreplaceable. We get used to people. Their presence in our memories makes them appear to be essential characters in the story we call Life. Without the characters and their interactions with ourselves – we cease to believe in the existence of the story, and in the lonesome state, we discard the value associated with our own character. Regardless, we live and breathe on. The innate desire to live ignites our fallen spirits, and we find happiness in other places. We build new relationships, and once again – we believe we need them. Perhaps it’s difficult to admit that we are creatures forever solitary, and thus, we attempt to forge needs – and with them comes an irrational dependence on mortal relationships.
What I believe now:
Needs are those things which are required for our well-being. Needs are not necessarily only the substances and conditions we need to simply survive, but also conditions under which we have the ability to thrive. When one is in “need” – one requires some sort of relief. Therefore, needs are not clearly defined. So do we need certain people? Yes. We need their love, compassion, their friendship. We need their perfections and flaws, we need their criticism, thoughts, support, and presence in our lives. We know we need them when they are not present – we feel it, we hate it, we ache for their love. Although life goes on, regardless of their whereabouts, we know something is not right when they are gone. Just because we learn to live without them, doesn’t mean we don’t need them. As much as we tell ourselves that we can be completely independent, I don’t think we ever actually believe ourselves. Life is this unifying experience – we’re all new to it, we don’t really know what we’re doing, and we don’t really know where we’re going. We’re in it together and we need each other, because even though happiness is a personal endeavor, it’s easier to find when surrounded by those who have become indispensable to our worlds.