Tag Archives: People

Don’t push me.

I’m very determined and goal-oriented. My goals change periodically, and I think that’s okay. I’m learning about myself every step of the way. It would be foolish to cling to a dream I no longer look forward to. Thus, I am learning and shuffling my life around to make room for things, people, and plans that enchant me.

And then I’m confronted with my culture.
My culture that doesn’t force me to do anything, but whose participants are constantly asking the same questions and are worried about the same things. I know that those who love me wish the very best for me. I have been blessed beyond measure with family and friends who are so supportive, caring, and inspirational. But even these very special people in my life are sometimes caught up in our culture – the one that doesn’t intentionally want to cause me harm, but it’s doing so anyway.

“When are you getting married? So and so is…so and so had a baby…Why not?”

At first, I laughed it all off. I’d answer with truth and they’d be concerned. But I’d laugh because I didn’t know what else to do, and because to me, it all seemed obnoxious and ridiculous. To me, it still feels like a question I shouldn’t be asked more than 20 times a month, because I’m young and free and that’s just how I like it. My relationship doesn’t have to be heading in the “I do” direction, because it’s in a great place as it is. Besides, that’s my business. It’s my life and I am allowed to do what I want.

They understand that. They wouldn’t force me to do anything, but their constant nudging and questioning is finally getting to me, but not in the way they want it to get to me.

It’s just making me feel like everything else I do is not important.
It’s making me feel like who I am is not enough.

And I’m not changing my mind about what I want, just because other people ask me questions. That would not be honest to my own self. I am holding tight onto what I want and where I’m going. I ask them to stop – and it’s not stopping. Well, I’m not stopping either.

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Beautiful People

Beauty shines in darkness,
Its kindness permeates sadness,
Its few, encouraging words in moments of pain make room for healing.
Its humbleness is a breath of fresh air in the competitive, bustling world.
Beauty’s simplicity is self-evident, and its value is beyond words or numbers.

Beautiful people are those whose hearts are worth more than gold, because they are inclusive, kind, loving, and do not succumb to the selfishness our world preaches.

Most of all, beautiful people rarely think of themselves this way.
So I encourage you, to tell that friend/stranger/classmate/family member that just radiates inward beauty that the world is a better place because of who they are.

Value them. They are more rare than one may think.


I saw you.

I saw your face, before I closed my eyes to sleep.
The image so crystal clear, I shrieked.
I felt like I could touch it,
But your skin, barely covering your bones, was too blue 
And I was afraid.
My heart worked too hard,
As I attempted to breathe.
I forcefully closed my eyes, only to open them and find that I could still see you.
I saw you.

 


Manners, freedom, and feminism.

The three things were going through my mind as I sat in a Starbucks, sipping my soy chai latte. I tried to read something or other on moral philosophy, but I could not concentrate. This is what happened:

The place is packed. Students are everywhere. Up in the loft area, there is one power outlet. Everyone twitches every time somebody in the general area of the Outlet moves, hoping that they are leaving. As soon as someone gets up, some other desperate coffee addict appears. The power outlet is calling us all by name, as our “low battery” notifications flicker.

The bell-tower rings. I’m still holding my spot in the general area and my charger is plugged in. I am lucky. The nice old man sitting behind the table in the corner, the table right in front of the Outlet, gets up, smiles, and says goodbye. Everyone is glaring. Little do they know, trouble is on its way.

A man dressed in tan corduroys, a light blue colored button down shirt, and polished dress shoes quickly appears. He’s wearing black glasses, because obviously the sun’s rays are overwhelming inside the dimmed coffee shop. Ridiculous. He also has a long board or a skate board, some kind of board.
Odd, but that’s besides the point.

He sits down. He did not purchase a drink or have a backpack. He sits down and a girl hurries over from a different table asking if he wouldn’t mind switching seats with her. But he says, “I was sitting on the couch for a long time and I have been waiting for this seat.” The girl, disappointed, says okay and leaves.

The man, maybe in his early thirties, takes out his phone and its charger. Everyone’s relieved that he is taking advantage of the best seat in the house. In the corner, by himself, he starts messing with his phone.

He waited for that seat not because he wanted to text his friends, call someone important, call someone unimportant, check his email, listen to music, etc. No. He waited for that seat because he thought he could hide what he was doing. He faced the room and mostly me, with his screen facing the corner.

Porn. He was watching porn using Starbucks’ complimentary Wi-Fi. He was nervous, looking around making sure nobody knew what he was doing. In his creepy dark sunglasses and his business casual attire, he was sitting in a dark, public room watching porn.

I’m not even going to elaborate on my disgust with porn in general. I’m just commenting on this man watching it in a crowded public place at 2:00 P.M. As a feminist, I was offended. I am still offended. I wanted to throw things at him. I wanted to confront him. I wanted to tell him to get the fuck out. There were kids in that room. He was lucky none of their parents or tutors were sitting where I was. I wanted to yell at him and tell him that his behavior was disrespectful and unacceptable. Maybe, sir scumbag, you don’t share my values or beliefs or whatever, but your actions are not okay.

But I didn’t say anything. I wish I had said something. I just shot dirty looks and he definitely saw them. He tried to hide his screen more. So he turned his chair and was facing me. I put on my over-sized sweater. He noticed my dirty looks. He left.

I don’t really care what people say about male sexuality. I don’t really care about any of it.
We live in a civilized world. People can control their desire to eat (which is something totally necessary for  health and survival). You can control your obsession with sex. And if you find it too dificult, there are treatment centers for that. Use them.

The world is a shared space. You may find corners in which you think you’re totally alone, but the truth of the matter is, your actions and you are never truly hidden. Your actions affect other people.


Thoughts on Forgiveness.

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” – Confucius 

I came across this quote on Tumblr – a website I love, but one that has never encouraged me to write. I sat alone in my cold, dark room thinking about forgiveness and revenge. I have always been a proponent of forgiving, learning, and moving on. But this idea of “revenge” has always sparked some curiosity in my being. Growing up, I was always told to not seek revenge, because it leads to a cycle of injury and retaliation. Nonetheless, a little voice in my head still occasionally screams “Get him back! You can do this and this and this….They’ll know exactly how you feel. Ohh, you can teach them!” Does this make me a bad person? I don’t think so. We’re only human. But there’s a reason that society and most religions teach forgiveness – because it is what we need to live with ourselves and others in a world that is constantly pushing us to our limits.

Revenge is not a solution. It doesn’t make anybody feel good in the long run. It fractures friendships, breaks hearts, and paves the way to feelings of guilt, depression, and pain. Revenge is a symbol of the lack of self-control, and it arises out of our inability to accept the fact that everybody makes mistakes.

“To err is human, to forgive – divine.”  – Alexander Pope

So I encourage you, dear reader, to forgive. Not to pretend that nothing is wrong, not to hug the person that has hurt you, not to forget. I encourage you to forgive – because that’s the only way to save yourself from being hurt by the same betrayal more than once. Forgiveness is the only way to move on – with peace, serenity, and self-confidence. Forgiveness is the only way out of painful thoughts and situations – it frees your mind and stitches up the tears within your heart. Forgiveness provides us with the ability to think clearly – to make rational choices about what comes next.

“Forgiving and being forgiven are two names for the same thing. The important thing is that a discord has been resolved.”  ~ C.S. Lewis


Reflection: Needing Others

What I believed until about five minutes ago:
Nobody needs anybody else. I mean, sure, we like having certain people in our lives and cannot imagine our worlds without them. But we can and will survive without their presence, and they will and can survive without ours. It’s depressing and we don’t like acknowledging that our relationships are not necessary, lasting, irreplaceable. We get used to people. Their presence in our memories makes them appear to be essential characters in the story we call Life. Without the characters and their interactions with ourselves – we cease to believe in the existence of the story, and in the lonesome state, we discard the value associated with our own character. Regardless, we live and breathe on. The innate desire to live ignites our fallen spirits, and we find happiness in other places. We build new relationships, and once again – we believe we need them. Perhaps it’s difficult to admit that we are creatures forever solitary, and thus, we attempt to forge needs – and with them comes an irrational dependence on mortal relationships.

What I believe now:
Needs are those things which are required for our well-being. Needs are not necessarily only the substances and conditions we need to simply survive, but also conditions under which we have the ability to thrive. When one is in “need” – one requires some sort of relief. Therefore, needs are not clearly defined. So do we need certain people? Yes. We need their love, compassion, their friendship. We need their perfections and flaws, we need their criticism, thoughts, support, and presence in our lives. We know we need them when they are not present – we feel it, we hate it, we ache for their love. Although life goes on, regardless of their whereabouts, we know something is not right when they are gone. Just because we learn to live without them, doesn’t mean we don’t need them. As much as we tell ourselves that we can be completely independent, I don’t think we ever actually believe ourselves. Life is this unifying experience – we’re all new to it, we don’t really know what we’re doing, and we don’t really know where we’re going. We’re in it together and we need each other, because even though happiness is a personal endeavor, it’s easier to find when surrounded by those who have become indispensable to our worlds.


New Year, Old Me.

People don’t change once a new calendar is hung.

People don’t become better because they say they will tomorrow, next week, next month, later in the year…

Change occurs when our desire for change overcomes our addiction to old behavior and attitude.

We become better when we strive to be better – mentally, physically, and emotionally.

This New Year inspires many to make “resolutions,” but may our resolutions be deeper than just hopes: may these resolutions become every day goals and motivations.

Here’s to a new year, and the same old me becoming the person I was meant to be.

New year, old me, following my dreams.