Tag Archives: relationships

12172012 – Not there

Glistening, colorful lights.
Hot, sweet lattes.
Cold, loud nights.

Laughter.
Friends.
Joy.
Why is my heart a galaxy away?

Image

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11142012 – Promises

I hear, see, observe the same thing.

On girls who are in love, in clouds.

On girls whose boys are not serious, too young.

On girls who have been in one relationship, for one month, for one moment.

Promise rings. 

Useless. 

To cure the disease that is doubt, perhaps.

Meaningless.

Promises, like legal contracts, are only necessary when they are broken. 


11032012 – Words

It’s been so long. It’s been too long.

I feel that words have been calling me, pulling me in, begging me to Let Them Be.

I mute them. I go on living. I attempt to have actual conversations with actual people.

I try to hide my journal and forget the passwords to my blogs.

I’ve been living in the Real World,

But my Real World Thoughts were undeveloped, unexpressed, and uninteresting to those I shared them with.

So I let these thoughts dance around in my mind before I went to sleep, while I doodled in my lecture hall, while I drove my car.

And this made me feel crazy. In my very real world, where I could not escape to the internet, I didn’t feel like I was fully engaged in my life. I was disinterested in the things happening around me. I was not impressed by all the things that should have impressed me. I was moody. I wanted to talk and listen to others talk about things that are probably not important, but so intriguing nonetheless.

I’m back to my internet community. I enjoy all the email correspondences, comments, feedback, and everything else from my followers and others who stop by to read what I write. It’s a shame that we’re scattered around the globe and cannot meet for coffee and deep talks.

 


06192012

Amiss

A mess

Capacious truth.

Neglected

Rejected

Suspicions Confirmed.


Don’t push me.

I’m very determined and goal-oriented. My goals change periodically, and I think that’s okay. I’m learning about myself every step of the way. It would be foolish to cling to a dream I no longer look forward to. Thus, I am learning and shuffling my life around to make room for things, people, and plans that enchant me.

And then I’m confronted with my culture.
My culture that doesn’t force me to do anything, but whose participants are constantly asking the same questions and are worried about the same things. I know that those who love me wish the very best for me. I have been blessed beyond measure with family and friends who are so supportive, caring, and inspirational. But even these very special people in my life are sometimes caught up in our culture – the one that doesn’t intentionally want to cause me harm, but it’s doing so anyway.

“When are you getting married? So and so is…so and so had a baby…Why not?”

At first, I laughed it all off. I’d answer with truth and they’d be concerned. But I’d laugh because I didn’t know what else to do, and because to me, it all seemed obnoxious and ridiculous. To me, it still feels like a question I shouldn’t be asked more than 20 times a month, because I’m young and free and that’s just how I like it. My relationship doesn’t have to be heading in the “I do” direction, because it’s in a great place as it is. Besides, that’s my business. It’s my life and I am allowed to do what I want.

They understand that. They wouldn’t force me to do anything, but their constant nudging and questioning is finally getting to me, but not in the way they want it to get to me.

It’s just making me feel like everything else I do is not important.
It’s making me feel like who I am is not enough.

And I’m not changing my mind about what I want, just because other people ask me questions. That would not be honest to my own self. I am holding tight onto what I want and where I’m going. I ask them to stop – and it’s not stopping. Well, I’m not stopping either.


Walking away.

Fill your life with people who are positive and driven. Surround yourself with those who are honest, intelligent, and bring happiness into your life. Too many times, it’s our failing relationships that put unnecessary stress and frustration into our lives. If a remedy is impossible, maybe it means that it’s time to walk away

06062012


Lesson Learned

Forcing a Friendship is worse than Letting It Go.
My mother always said to be nice, but being nice is easier than being a friend.
And maybe not being friends will make it possible for me to be nicer.
I have finally realized that you are not worth it – not my time, not my happiness.