Tag Archives: social

Don’t push me.

I’m very determined and goal-oriented. My goals change periodically, and I think that’s okay. I’m learning about myself every step of the way. It would be foolish to cling to a dream I no longer look forward to. Thus, I am learning and shuffling my life around to make room for things, people, and plans that enchant me.

And then I’m confronted with my culture.
My culture that doesn’t force me to do anything, but whose participants are constantly asking the same questions and are worried about the same things. I know that those who love me wish the very best for me. I have been blessed beyond measure with family and friends who are so supportive, caring, and inspirational. But even these very special people in my life are sometimes caught up in our culture – the one that doesn’t intentionally want to cause me harm, but it’s doing so anyway.

“When are you getting married? So and so is…so and so had a baby…Why not?”

At first, I laughed it all off. I’d answer with truth and they’d be concerned. But I’d laugh because I didn’t know what else to do, and because to me, it all seemed obnoxious and ridiculous. To me, it still feels like a question I shouldn’t be asked more than 20 times a month, because I’m young and free and that’s just how I like it. My relationship doesn’t have to be heading in the “I do” direction, because it’s in a great place as it is. Besides, that’s my business. It’s my life and I am allowed to do what I want.

They understand that. They wouldn’t force me to do anything, but their constant nudging and questioning is finally getting to me, but not in the way they want it to get to me.

It’s just making me feel like everything else I do is not important.
It’s making me feel like who I am is not enough.

And I’m not changing my mind about what I want, just because other people ask me questions. That would not be honest to my own self. I am holding tight onto what I want and where I’m going. I ask them to stop – and it’s not stopping. Well, I’m not stopping either.

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Words Behind Bars

There is so much to say,
But so little silence.
So many thoughts –
But sleep creeps in, and then they are lost
Lost, lost, lost forever in dreamland.

Every confusion, every mistake –
Speaks and never ceases to attack
The helpless mind, that has no alternative but to call it a day,
Admits defeat, but refuses to quit trying…
Tomorrow, tomorrow:  thoughts will be free.

But there is no time to let one’s mind wander.
And there is so little courage to grant freedom to words.
Everyday, tedious tasks occupy ninety-nine percent of our thinking faculties,
Everyday, our own judgmental inclinations seal our lips and freeze our tongues-
Yet we continue to justify our silence to ourselves,  claiming it arises out of fear of criticism from others.

Thus, words remain behind bars.
Thoughts remain in compartments in our hearts.
They are factors in our decision-making processes, our value judgments, our emotions.
They define our perception of the world, yet they are buried, hidden, obscure, personal.
They define our relationships with others, ourselves, our surroundings.
So powerful, so secret, but yet so universal.


New Year, Old Me.

People don’t change once a new calendar is hung.

People don’t become better because they say they will tomorrow, next week, next month, later in the year…

Change occurs when our desire for change overcomes our addiction to old behavior and attitude.

We become better when we strive to be better – mentally, physically, and emotionally.

This New Year inspires many to make “resolutions,” but may our resolutions be deeper than just hopes: may these resolutions become every day goals and motivations.

Here’s to a new year, and the same old me becoming the person I was meant to be.

New year, old me, following my dreams.

 


Quite the Feminist.

I am quite the feminist.
No, I am not a “crazy,” I am just a firm believer in equality, opportunity, and justice.

I believe that although there has been progress on the rights front, it is not enough to change rules and laws and literature and political slogans.
I don’t think we’re supposed to attack religions that emphasize the role of a mother, wife, and woman.
I think we’re supposed to educate, because ultimately – lives depend more on our social values than on  those words written in books in libraries that nobody seems to go to anymore.

Just because progress has been made, does not mean that we are finished.
Yes, it’s been worse. However, it can be better. We can do better.
Instead of focusing on changing the rights of women all around the world – invading cultures, traditions, relgions, etc, maybe we should focus on changing the mindsets of the people within our own communities.

I am more repulsed by musical artists that make millions of dollars “singing” songs that degrade women, than I am by cultures that trample women’s rights.
Not because I think these women are unimportant, but because their culture can admit the unfairness, by making it transparent.
While we live in a society where women have rights, and privacy laws exist, etc. yet it’s okay for children to listen to these degrading songs.
Hypocrisy? I think so.

And we expect these young girls to value education and independence? We expect these young girls to run from abusive relationships and respect themselves, when every hit on the radio has told them otherwise?
And we expect these young boys to acknowledge the equality of both ability and mind among both genders?  We expect these boys to treat girls with respect?

Maybe I’m just another girl, offended by popular culture.
Maybe I’m just another woman, whose eyes don’t see and ears don’t hear the equality promised to all mankind.
Maybe I’m just another woman, who wants the world to change.
I pray that I’m a woman who is able to change something or help someone.

I’m just a dreamer, wishing for change.


Midterms and chalk and city lights.

I sit in a study lounge on the seventh floor.
I see San Francisco glisten and flicker in the distance.

I have blue chalk all over my palms.

My nose is pink and my fingers are numb.
It’s a quiet, cold Friday night.

It’s definitely November.

As I sit with my books and notes and confusions,
I am saddened by the lack of connection I feel to this place, these people,  this…life.

I find far more excitement in my studies than in those who surround me.
I find more purpose in sleep than in building friendships I don’t want to have with my lovely, intelligent peers.
I find comfort in my relationship with my God and my family.
I feel loved, yes, but so very lost.

Perhaps “misplaced” is a better term, I don’t know.
I know that I made the right choice by moving out here – not because I envisioned myself embracing this place, but because it is the temporary/necessary/intermediate step that I needed to take.
I needed this for something better to be available to me in the future.

But I’ve grown so apathetic.
I have accepted this feeling of loneliness.
My mind has established that this is not home, nor could it ever be.
But my heart keeps telling me that something is just…wrong.

Life is so very beautiful and so very short.
It’s about building lasting relationships.
Living is not intended to be a solitary activity – regardless of this popular idea that one is “forever alone”
No, we are forever alone because we choose to be forever alone.
We choose to keep love inside our own hearts, and wrap love around ourselves. We refuse to share it with strangers who may need it more than anything. We refuse to build frienships because we are too selfish, we are too focused on our own lives and aspirations.

But what good are achieved dreams,
If at the end of the day, you can’t sit next to a fire with a warm cup of tea, fresh cookies, and laugh, cry, and  share life with a friend, a lover, heck – even a kind stranger?
What good is extreme independence and solitude, if it inhibits our ability to love and be loved?