Tag Archives: time

Stress

Sitting in a room that is vibrating with stress:

Individuals biting their nails, pulling at their hair, forcing their sleepy eyes to remain open…

Hoping for time to freeze, if only for a second, a minute, an hour, a day, or forever.

But the clock bell tower rings promptly every hour.

Time goes on and on and on.

The only thing to do is accept reality: Life doesn’t wait for anybody.

Things happen whether we’re ready for them, or not.

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life — It goes on.” – Robert Frost

 

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Among the clouds.

Fog invades the bay –
The world is suddenly covered in a cloud,
The world becomes so small, known, and cold.

My fingers are numb,
The cold stings my face,
Little droplets of mist tickle my nose.

Fog, a cold breeze, a bright sun –
It’s winter in California.
What I would do if I could spend it with you and your warm laughter.


Home is undefined.

In less than twelve hours, I will be on my way “home” for Thanksgiving.
Growing up, I was constantly looking forward to the day I was going to “grow up” and leave, and find myself a new city to call “home.”
But growing up does not happen in a day. We all know it’s a process: one we don’t realize we have completed until we’re so busy we can hardly breathe.
Growing up is something we look forward to as children, and once we realize that somewhere along the way we had actually already grown up, we wish to return to a child’s world of curiosity, endless time, and minimal responsibility.

So I grew up, like everybody else. I don’t know when it happened, but one day I realized that everything had become so serious, important, and time flew by fast.
I knew I had grown up.

I moved to a new city, I made new friends, I ate new food, I dressed a little different, my views had changed…
My life had changed.

I swore I would never actually want to go back “home” if it wasn’t for my lovely family and friends.
But, after a few months living away and on my own, I actually longed to go back “home” just to be there.

The winter holiday season only increases my longing for the place that I call “home.”
I miss traditions, the laughter of those whom I have known my entire life, and just being.
At home, there is no need to impress anyone, try new things, visit new places, or stress.
Home is where the heart is happy and at peace, even if  only for a little while.

So I am going “home” and am ecstatic.

But this idea of  “home” is so obscure.
Home used to be my parent’s house, wherever it was, where I went to sleep at night.
Home used to be the city I resided in for as long as I can remember.
But, being an immigrant, I was always surrounded by people who did not consider this town that I considered home to actually be home
(And in fact, they still don’t consider the city their home even after living within its borders for many, many years).
So I was lost.
I was born in a different city, on a different continent (although I didn’t reside there for very long). It’s considered my “hometown,” but when I visit this hometown, I feel disoriented, lost, uncomfortable, confused, and foreign.
But my passport claims that this foreign place is my hometown, and my family insists that it is in fact, my “home.”

To me: home is someplace familiar, inviting.
The town in which I went to school in, the town in which I learned to ride my bicycle and later, learned to drive a car.
This town was home to me, even though everyone insisted otherwise.

Now, living in a new city, I catch myself calling this place home.
But, when my heart is craving the company of family and friends – I reject even the slightest possibility that this is my home.

Home is so undefined.
When my heart aches for home, it’s always a different place that it longs for.

Home is not a permanent location.
Home is temporary.
Home is what we miss when we’re away.
But more importantly: home is who we miss when we’re away.

A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams. – Dr. William A Ward

And my confusion with what place to call home, leads me to believe the following words:
…This world is not my home I’m just passing through
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue… 


Everlasting love.

My perception of this idea of “eternity” is blurry, although I certainly believe in its existence.
I am unable to fully comprehend what it means to be eternally loved.
Nonetheless, God tells me:

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; 
 I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”  
Jeremiah 31:3

He tells me that he continues to show me kindness –
Because his faithfulness is unfailing, and his love is without restrictions.
I am in awe of such a love – one that is everlasting and unconditional.

My relationship with God has been bumpy the past few weeks,
And this is an immediate consequence of my failure to show up on our daily dates – with an open heart, an open Book, and a grateful soul.

Life gets busy, problems require solutions, tests require studying, etc.
I depend on my own knowledge and strength, until I realize that I cannot face this life on my own.
And then, when a reality check informs me that I need God back,
He says “I have drawn you with unfailing kindness,”
He never let go, even when my life permitted him only a few minutes of my oh-so-valuable time.

He took all my problems, my struggles, my tears, my pain…
He took them and told me to rest, to find peace in his everlasting love, which was independent of  who I was and what I had failed to do to.

” But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.”
Isaiah 53:5

I am undeserving of such a sacrifice, such a Love, and such a friendship.
I am constantly amazed at how much value I have in God’s eyes, and how much room he keeps for me in his heart.

I am loved.
You are loved.
And from experiencing this beautiful love – we must also learn how to love – unconditionally and eternally.
Becoming better friends with others, ourselves, and God.



Confessions of an Ex-Best Friend. (Forgiveness)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010.
Confessions of an Ex-Best friend (a letter to a former friend of nine years)

Young, restless, free.
Running, spinning, safe
From boredom and tears
But not loss. – Me.

I ask few questions,
But many lies flood my ears in return.

Deceived, betrayed
You’re only hurting yourself, you think,
But look how you’ve pushed me
Away from your life,
And your actions have pulled you away from mine.

At least I remember the girl I once knew,
Who stole my likes and dislikes,
But who was never a fool.

Never expect people to stay the same. Don’t judge them for changing…

But you didn’t change for yourself,

You changed for attention and drama and problems
And for something to do.
Potential, brains, love, friends, family – all remained
Yet it wasn’t enough, it’s never enough for you

Is it?

“Honestly, I’m almost done” remember that line?
Done what? You never said anything about starting,
And now you race to the finish with your pupils dilated
And your body too thin, and the smell the smell the smell,
Hands shaking, answering calls, running around
Always late, never time to breathe, never a time to care about others
Friendship is a two way deal, and ours is a lost cause

I tried, you lied, I tried, you lied, I quit.

There’s no sugar coating it, I deserved a better friend

And you deserved my trying and attempts to help.
You got what you deserved,
But you tossed it aside in your “busy” life
Full of emptiness and fear.

I’m gone, going out to wander, and to let who I deserve find me.
Life is too short to stick around and be walked all over.

Life is too beautiful to surround oneself with people who cannot appreciate its natural highs and lows and colors and situations.
Life is too precious to spend it running and not caring about those who matter.

Life is life, and I’m planning on living it the way I’ve never even dreamed of living it.

And if by any chance you want to be a part of this beautiful mess called my life

There is room for you in my heart still, there will always be room for you.  But I have higher expectations than I did when I was nine.



Raindrops.

Splitter, splatter, the rain outside beats.

Tap, tip, it’s knocking.

No stopping, no light, just drops falling

Towards the muddy ground.

Tick tock, the clock is ticking

Sleep soon, wake soon.

Pounding, beating heart

Tells otherwise, feels pain.

Clenching like a fist,

Fear spreads throughout the body.

Burning, achy

Not breaking.

Love, love, love –

So much more love to give.


Reminiscing, but no wishing.

And when I look back and remember all of the people who used to be a huge part of my life, I smile. Not because those were perfect times or amazing friends, but because we learned, grew up, and moved on. I don’t miss anything. They’re nice thoughts, but the people currently in my life are definitely blessings.