In the silence, in the rain, on a rough day.
All I can see is your smile. All i can hear is your laugh.
I smile, as tears run down my face.
Just like you smiled, when you held my face with your calloused hands, as you kissed my cheeks.
As I talked on and made promises I could never keep, you just nodded.
You nodded, hugged, cried, laughed.
You may be Resting in Peace, but your Love Fights my Wars.
It always wins.
Fog invades the bay –
The world is suddenly covered in a cloud,
The world becomes so small, known, and cold.
My fingers are numb,
The cold stings my face,
Little droplets of mist tickle my nose.
Fog, a cold breeze, a bright sun –
It’s winter in California.
What I would do if I could spend it with you and your warm laughter.
I am thankful.
My life thus far has not been perfect, but it has been beautiful.
I have been hurt by those dearest to me, I have been lied to by those whom I trusted with my life, I have been betrayed by those who swore to be there for me even if the world came crashing down.
I have been hurt.
I lost my hero to cancer, I lost a cousin to bad choices,
I lost a piece of my heart when they left this earth.
I have lost.
I believed that my best was not good enough, I have felt like an absolute failure, I have failed, I broke a heart, I made choices I later regretted.
I have cried.
But through the hurt, the loss, the tears I was given strength, wisdom, and a second chance (sometimes a third, a fourth, and so on…)
I learned that the fabric of trust is something that can be stitched together- and sometimes, the stitching holds it together better than before it was torn.
But stitching it up – that’s work, patience, forgiveness, and humility.
I learned to value and love people when they are present, because people’s presence is more temporary than we want to believe.
I have learned to believe in myself, because God believes in me. He made me the way I am for a purpose, and my constant self-criticism was actually dishonoring Him.
I learned to be honest with myself and others – I learned to acknowledge my flaws, and battle them with prayer, support, and a positive attitude.
I am thankful – that God teaches me valuable life lessons through difficult situations.
He opens my eyes to the world as it is, rather than to the world I perceive it to be in my sheltered, every day life.
I am thankful, because I have been blessed beyond measure – with everything I could possibly need and so much more.
I have been blessed with a beautiful family and friends, who support me always – financially, spiritually, and mentally, whether I need the support or not.
I am grateful to a God who gives me wisdom when I ask for it and even when I don’t, who guides me in times of struggle, who offers me comfort in times of despair, who loves me – always.
By no means am I suggesting that I am always this grateful. I sometimes scream into my pillow out of frustration. I go on long runs when I am confused. I yell when I am angry. I say hurtful things to those who love me so very much when I am disappointed.
But all of this wears out my body and my soul – it makes me lose sleep, my appetite, and my enthusiasm to live every day as if it were a gift from Heaven.
At the end of all of my reactions to my struggles, I am exhausted and helpless.
And through all of this, God keeps saying “I’m here, I’m always here, I promise you I’m taking care of it.”
I believe Him, but I want solutions now.
But the solutions I seek, I soon find out, don’t involve my problems.
They involve my attitude about my problems.
I am not beautiful inside and out. But I want to be.
I want to be the kind of person who can face life and all of its chaos with love, courage, and wisdom.
I want to be grateful every single second of every single day – for the good, the bad, and everything in between
Because I am blessed beyond measure – I am the daughter of the King.
My perception of this idea of “eternity” is blurry, although I certainly believe in its existence.
I am unable to fully comprehend what it means to be eternally loved.
Nonetheless, God tells me:
“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”
Jeremiah 31:3
He tells me that he continues to show me kindness –
Because his faithfulness is unfailing, and his love is without restrictions.
I am in awe of such a love – one that is everlasting and unconditional.
My relationship with God has been bumpy the past few weeks,
And this is an immediate consequence of my failure to show up on our daily dates – with an open heart, an open Book, and a grateful soul.
Life gets busy, problems require solutions, tests require studying, etc.
I depend on my own knowledge and strength, until I realize that I cannot face this life on my own.
And then, when a reality check informs me that I need God back,
He says “I have drawn you with unfailing kindness,”
He never let go, even when my life permitted him only a few minutes of my oh-so-valuable time.
He took all my problems, my struggles, my tears, my pain…
He took them and told me to rest, to find peace in his everlasting love, which was independent of who I was and what I had failed to do to.
” But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.”
Isaiah 53:5
I am undeserving of such a sacrifice, such a Love, and such a friendship.
I am constantly amazed at how much value I have in God’s eyes, and how much room he keeps for me in his heart.
I am loved.
You are loved.
And from experiencing this beautiful love – we must also learn how to love – unconditionally and eternally.
Becoming better friends with others, ourselves, and God.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010.
Confessions of an Ex-Best friend (a letter to a former friend of nine years)
Young, restless, free.
Running, spinning, safe
From boredom and tears
But not loss. – Me.
I ask few questions,
But many lies flood my ears in return.
Deceived, betrayed
You’re only hurting yourself, you think,
But look how you’ve pushed me
Away from your life,
And your actions have pulled you away from mine.
At least I remember the girl I once knew,
Who stole my likes and dislikes,
But who was never a fool.
Never expect people to stay the same. Don’t judge them for changing…
But you didn’t change for yourself,
You changed for attention and drama and problems
And for something to do.
Potential, brains, love, friends, family – all remained
Yet it wasn’t enough, it’s never enough for you
Is it?
“Honestly, I’m almost done” remember that line?
Done what? You never said anything about starting,
And now you race to the finish with your pupils dilated
And your body too thin, and the smell the smell the smell,
Hands shaking, answering calls, running around
Always late, never time to breathe, never a time to care about others
Friendship is a two way deal, and ours is a lost cause
I tried, you lied, I tried, you lied, I quit.
There’s no sugar coating it, I deserved a better friend
And you deserved my trying and attempts to help.
You got what you deserved,
But you tossed it aside in your “busy” life
Full of emptiness and fear.
I’m gone, going out to wander, and to let who I deserve find me.
Life is too short to stick around and be walked all over.
Life is too beautiful to surround oneself with people who cannot appreciate its natural highs and lows and colors and situations.
Life is too precious to spend it running and not caring about those who matter.
Life is life, and I’m planning on living it the way I’ve never even dreamed of living it.
And if by any chance you want to be a part of this beautiful mess called my life
There is room for you in my heart still, there will always be room for you. But I have higher expectations than I did when I was nine.
Distance and time separate bodies,
But souls are forever less than a heartbeat away.
The continuation of life, the separation-
All for the better future.
Bright, so bright the lights shine,
But still drowning in confusion.
In the departure there is trust,
In the arrival lies hope.
In the heart there are bright shiny gemstones,
On the face there are clear, salty tears.
Lying wide awake, eyes popping, burning with anger and helplessness.
She says -” Life is everything but fair.”
Dreams of freedom and ease and peace at the least,
are just that…illusions that tear
Up the present situations, and hope slowly falls
Falls to pieces, shatters like her favorite porcelain doll
And the hot tears are the same, through the years they remain –
Loss of direction, loss of affection
They relieve the pain, and attract even more –
Dreams dreams dreams, and she’s sleeping soundly.
Only to wake up to another day…
Repeat.
The beautiful disaster knows awfully well-
Up and away lie streets of silver and gold.
Up and away, dreams of streets of silver and gold.
Finding Happiness. 