I hear, see, observe the same thing.
On girls who are in love, in clouds.
On girls whose boys are not serious, too young.
On girls who have been in one relationship, for one month, for one moment.
Promise rings.
Useless.
To cure the disease that is doubt, perhaps.
Meaningless.
Promises, like legal contracts, are only necessary when they are broken.
Freedom isn’t about being reckless or heartless.
Freedom is letting go of everything that weighs heavy on your soul.
Freedom is opening your eyes to new experiences and ways of knowing.
Freedom is about not allowing failure or struggle to discourage you.
Freedom is being comfortable with your own thoughts, with your actions, with you.
Freedom is the ability to find happiness in a broken world.
Lake Tahoe after the sunrise.
A friend of mine is getting married to a man that has not treated her well in the past. I’m fairly certain that she’s marrying him because he has money. I’m sure she has decided to get married because her younger sister got married a year ago, and she feels like she is going to be forever alone. Countless times, I told her that she would find someone wonderful. I tell her that she was young, beautiful, and a sweetheart. I want to see her happy, but she wants to be wanted by a man.
It breaks my heart, really. She has grown up in a patriarchal culture, where a woman’s worth is determined by when she gets married, to whom, and how many children she has and is able to raise well. I know that culture, and I am always telling these girls that they are valuable not because of who they marry, but because they are human.
I saw her Facebook status today, and it’s a quote that translates to something like this:
“Happiness to a girl is to become a beautiful bride, a beloved wife, and a happy mother.”
My heart dropped. No, no, no, no. Happiness to a girl is being the best she can be. Happiness to a girl is becoming a woman who is intelligent, confident, and strong. This girl is in her twenties, and she believes her life will become better by being a bride, a wife, a mother. I’m not saying those things are not wonderful, I’m sure being a princess on your wedding day is fun, being in a loving relationship is wonderful, and being a mother is a one-of-a-kind experience. I’m sure it’s great, but that’s not the point.
I believe that happiness for humans in general is not found in relationships. Happiness is a personal endeavor, it’s about being comfortable in your skin and with your life. Happiness is about learning, loving, just being.
It saddens me to think that my friend believes that her worth and her happiness is defined by her marital status. It saddens me to see a young life’s journey determined by culture. It just makes me so darn sad to see her make this choice, not because she really wants to be with him “forever,” but because she believes that this is what her whole life culminates to.
My dear friend, is so dearly confused.
I’m constantly surrounded by people, and this tends to inhibit my ability to think clearly about things I want to think about. So, today, I had dinner with myself.
I sat in the balcony with my favorite Italian pasta dish from a small restaurant down the street.
I faced San Francisco and the setting sun.
The beauty of it all overwhelmed me.
It was chilly and bright and quiet –
The cool wind kept me company and drew me back to reality every time my mind drifted too far.
And I liked it.
I realized that lately I have become so critical of myself.
I have let failures fracture my self-esteem and confidence.
I have let stressful situations and insecurities break my convictions in the beauties of life.
My little date with myself and my thoughts made me love myself more.
It made me sure of who I am and what I want to do.
It made me forgive myself and others –
It gave me the opportunity to fall in love with my life again.
Life is not easy. I think we all learn that very quickly in the process of growing up.
But oh my God, it is so beautiful –
And I’ve spent too long doubting, criticizing, over-analyzing everything.
I’m at peace – with the world, with my struggles, with the hurdles I must jump to get to where I need to be.
I’m giving everything I care for one hundred percent of my effort,
But I’m setting higher standards for the way I treat myself.
03072012
Spring 2011.
It is truly sad that we live in a society where women are constantly told that they are not enough: they’re not pretty enough, skinny enough, young enough, smart enough, strong enough, good enough…
They’re told by the media and society in general – that they are not enough because they don’t look like the young women Hollywood has created through crazy, unnatural means.
Beauty is not: crazy liquid diets that do not provide enough nutrients to the body, insane work out routines created by personal trainers that require hours at the gym and lots of money, getting rid of all of your imperfections through surgeries and loads of make up…
Beauty is not defined by Hollywood’s standards.
Beauty is natural – beauty is loving the body you were born in, being proud of the knowledge you have acquired throughout the years and the work you have accomplished, being confident.
Beauty is God-given, and it lacks nothing.
There’s nothing wrong with dieting, working out, using make up. But these are things that are supposed to enhance either our health or our best qualities. They are not meant to consume our lives and help us look like the girls we see in magazines.
Sometimes I like to stand back and “people watch” on a busy street – there is so much you can tell about a person’s self image from the way they hold their head, address awkward situations with strangers, and the way they smile.
I live in a college town, so most people are in their early to mid twenties, and even these young women do not seem to love their bodies and minds. During my “people watching” sessions, I notice how many, many young women keep their heads down while they walk, staring at the pavement. They avoid eye contact not because they are in a hurry (I assume they are not, since they are walking fairly slowly), but because they lack confidence. They don’t smile. They are very apologetic when their umbrella slightly touches a man’s coat. When they trip over something and quickly catch their balance, they look around to see if anyone had seen them stumble a bit. I met a girl today, actually, who asked me what I was studying. I told her, and she replied “oh, I would like to study that but I’m too dumb for that…” I proceeded to try to convince her that that was not true. I’ve seen this girl before, she was rather quiet, and probably not society’s definition of “beautiful”. I continued to speak to her and she later opened up and was full of laughter, clever remarks, and insightful ideas.
There’s just something about society’s notion of beauty that irritates me so much.
I’m young, I’m healthy and thin, a little over average height, and pursuing my dreams.
And occasionally, I catch myself thinking “I wish I was pretty…”
I worked as a model for a short period of time, basically hired for looks.
I ponder: If I’M insecure, what about others? What about those girls who have never been told they are pretty? What about those girls who have been through accidents that have left them changed? Can we ever truly feel like we’re GOOD enough in today’s world?
And why do men get to set these standards? Why does a woman feel inferior to a system that is dominated by the other gender and its standards?
If women cannot get the attention they require and deserve from the men in their lives, we as women must give other women the attention. There’s just something about being told you’re beautiful. (For example, I was at a store with my boyfriend and I saw this girl who I thought was so very pretty and I knew she probably didn’t even know it, so I told her. She felt slightly uncomfortable (and so did my boyfriend), I could tell, but her face lit up and she smiled.) Beauty is not measured in years, kilograms, or the number of compliments received by men. Beauty is everywhere. We have to love the bodies we’re in, and teach other women to love themselves, too. People only demand the respect they deserve when they know their self worth, which makes self-love a priority.
Just for information: I have nothing, absolutely nothing, against men. There are men in this world who are more loving than any woman I have ever met in my life. I have been blessed with a wonderful young man in my life, and our relationship would never have worked out had I not learned to love myself first. Happiness truly does come from within, and the relationships we build are where we share our happiness with those we choose to love.
Society is wrong – You are beautiful.
“Be kind to yourself – you only have one body, one life, and only the moment to live it” – Olivia Coyne
I don’t have much to give you.
So I promise you my attention, my love, my friendship, my compassion, my help, my best.
But everything that’s “mine” is imperfect and perhaps not nearly up to par with what you deserve.
I’m giving you my heart, and that’s all I’ve got.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010.
Confessions of an Ex-Best friend (a letter to a former friend of nine years)
Young, restless, free.
Running, spinning, safe
From boredom and tears
But not loss. – Me.
I ask few questions,
But many lies flood my ears in return.
Deceived, betrayed
You’re only hurting yourself, you think,
But look how you’ve pushed me
Away from your life,
And your actions have pulled you away from mine.
At least I remember the girl I once knew,
Who stole my likes and dislikes,
But who was never a fool.
Never expect people to stay the same. Don’t judge them for changing…
But you didn’t change for yourself,
You changed for attention and drama and problems
And for something to do.
Potential, brains, love, friends, family – all remained
Yet it wasn’t enough, it’s never enough for you
Is it?
“Honestly, I’m almost done” remember that line?
Done what? You never said anything about starting,
And now you race to the finish with your pupils dilated
And your body too thin, and the smell the smell the smell,
Hands shaking, answering calls, running around
Always late, never time to breathe, never a time to care about others
Friendship is a two way deal, and ours is a lost cause
I tried, you lied, I tried, you lied, I quit.
There’s no sugar coating it, I deserved a better friend
And you deserved my trying and attempts to help.
You got what you deserved,
But you tossed it aside in your “busy” life
Full of emptiness and fear.
I’m gone, going out to wander, and to let who I deserve find me.
Life is too short to stick around and be walked all over.
Life is too beautiful to surround oneself with people who cannot appreciate its natural highs and lows and colors and situations.
Life is too precious to spend it running and not caring about those who matter.
Life is life, and I’m planning on living it the way I’ve never even dreamed of living it.
And if by any chance you want to be a part of this beautiful mess called my life
There is room for you in my heart still, there will always be room for you. But I have higher expectations than I did when I was nine.
Finding Happiness. 