A letter to a grave five thousand miles away.

I wish I never promised.
I wish I could have stayed. 
I wish that life had granted us more time,
More laughter,
More breakfasts together
More more more,
But less pain.

And maybe you didn’t know,
But every time I said goodbye, my heart broke.
I loved your home, your laughter, your love for all of life.
You didn’t pick and choose, you saw beauty where I saw chaos.
Your world view inspires me, I take it with me through life’s journey.
I want to see the world how you saw it.
I want to sit and chat and learn.
I miss your wisdom and sincerity.
I miss you.  

Find it and keep it.

Your happiness is yours.
You can keep it, hide it, share it, give it away.

But I suggest you keep it.
Hold onto it as long as you can.

If you hide it – you might forget exactly where you placed it.
If you share it – a fragment of your Happiness will no longer belong to only you.
If you give it away – there is no guarantee that the recipient will value it, because your happiness is best understood and most effective when it belongs to you.

Find happiness.

Keep it.

And if you love someone, encourage them to find theirs – whatever that may consists of.

03192012

This is where my hope and happiness was found, shared, hidden, broken, and ultimately restored.

Worth more.

I have so much to say, but no ears want to listen.

I think about things that will break your heart.

I scribble in my notebook, but I feel no peace.

I have felt better, I have loved and been loved better.

I have been worth more.

Missing conversations with my best friends.

Promises

You said “I will”
You said “I promise”
You said you’d try your best.

And as those words came through your lips,
I smiled a sad smile –
I knew how rarely promises were kept,
I knew I didn’t like them for that reason.

And these promises weren’t even about big, important things.
They were little, ordinary assurances
You broke them and honey I believe in signs –
No, I’m not angry, but my trust in your words has sunk a little further.

Perhaps this is me overreacting.
Perhaps you are incapable of keeping your word.
Promises, promises, promises –
Please don’t make them, and save everyone the hurt.

02262012

Forgetting – the involuntary dismissal of the past

I don’t like reflecting on my days, weeks,  or years. I have realized that the reason I dislike reminiscing is because I remember so little. This realization makes  me sad, because I know I have had such wonderful experiences, I have met extraordinary people, and I have made memories with family and friends. I am filled with great sorrow – as I cannot seem to remember so many things that have filled my days, my life, my heart. The good and the bad both disappear from my memory. I sit and I wonder, but I remain clueless.

Lost. That’s how I feel. I feel like life has tricked me into happiness and tricked me into anguish, but has not granted my brain the permission to access the memories.
I feel like time has left me with the recollection of experienced emotions, but has deprived me of any sort of context.

This involuntary dismissal of the past has taught me a very important lesson:

All success and all failure is temporary.
All joy and all sorrow is  passing.
Time is finite and opportunity is limitless.
So do what you need to do and do it for you,
And later, when you cannot recall exactly what happened,
You’ll know that you were truly happy.

02242012

Love What You Do

Life is beautifully chaotic.

Nobody really knows what they’re doing.
But we’re living.
We’re breathing
We’re running.
Time is flying.

Do what you love.
Because time is not infinite.
Love what you do.
Because this life is all we’ve got.

 

Words Behind Bars

There is so much to say,
But so little silence.
So many thoughts –
But sleep creeps in, and then they are lost
Lost, lost, lost forever in dreamland.

Every confusion, every mistake –
Speaks and never ceases to attack
The helpless mind, that has no alternative but to call it a day,
Admits defeat, but refuses to quit trying…
Tomorrow, tomorrow:  thoughts will be free.

But there is no time to let one’s mind wander.
And there is so little courage to grant freedom to words.
Everyday, tedious tasks occupy ninety-nine percent of our thinking faculties,
Everyday, our own judgmental inclinations seal our lips and freeze our tongues-
Yet we continue to justify our silence to ourselves,  claiming it arises out of fear of criticism from others.

Thus, words remain behind bars.
Thoughts remain in compartments in our hearts.
They are factors in our decision-making processes, our value judgments, our emotions.
They define our perception of the world, yet they are buried, hidden, obscure, personal.
They define our relationships with others, ourselves, our surroundings.
So powerful, so secret, but yet so universal.

Mr. Meets-My-Criteria is not always Mr. Right

Note: This is a personal story, and sharing it makes me feel even more awful for breaking a heart. I hope I can forgive myself one day, just like he forgave me.  I apologize for the cheesiness in this story beforehand, but this was one of the many lessons in my life that has taught me to seek pure happiness- the kind that comes from within, rather than  the “happiness” that is defined for us by society, by our friends, and by our own insecurities.

~ 

There once was a boy.
He was wonderful, witty, funny, and charming.
He was from a well to-do family.
He was tall, handsome, and very sweet.
He spoke my language, he understood my culture, he knew my family.

I was visiting family in a small, small town where everybody knew everybody else.
I met him randomly, he was on his motorcycle.
I was awkward, skinny, and jet lagged.

He was good friends with my girl friends, and he shook my hand and said, “It’s nice to finally meet you.”
I smiled and laughed, and said I needed to go, but that I’d probably see him around.

Later that day, I was surprised by him visiting my friend’s house [where I was at].
He showed up with a bouquet full of hand-picked field daisies – my absolute favorite.

He smiled and gave them to me, and said, “I saw these and I thought of how I met you earlier this day, and wanted to give them to you as a welcoming gift. Hope you enjoy your time here.”
And with that, he drove away.
My friends giggled, and said that he’s just a gentleman.

We became friends, he would call, we would hang out with our mutual friends.
We were just friends, just friends, just friends.
But he liked me, and everyone knew, but there were complications.

He had a girlfriend. Her name was Victoria.
She was bossy, and mean, and she didn’t treat him well.
But she was his girlfriend, and I didn’t want to interfere.

He left her. He said she didn’t appreciate all that he did for her.
He was tired and he knew she wasn’t the kind of girl he wanted to be with.

He was so nice to me, so very nice.
He would get me flowers randomly, he would bring me ice cream from my favorite place, even though they closed before 2 in the morning.

He was sweet, and he liked me, and he gave me more attention than I’ve ever even wanted.
And I liked it, not him, but the attention.

He liked my curly hair, and asked me not to straighten it, or “whatever you do to it.”
He liked my awkwardness, my laugh, my random singing.
He didn’t think I was too skinny.
He didn’t mind my pickiness with food, my indecisiveness, my fears.
He was always, always there when I needed him to be.
And he liked all the things I myself hated about myself.
He made me feel like the most important person in the world.
He was a keeper – that’s what they all said.

But I didn’t like him.
I liked that he fit the criteria I had for a future boyfriend.
He fit it so well.
I liked the attention he gave me, how he was proud of me in front of his friends.
I liked that he was a nice guy.
I liked everything about him, but I didn’t like him.

So I pretended to like him.
I thought maybe one day I would actually like him.
He told me he loved me,
I smiled and hugged him and didn’t say it back.

A few weeks later, he asked me if I felt that way about him,
Since I never said “I love you” back.
So I didn’t know what to do, and I had never loved a boy before,
And thought – maybe this is love and that’s all there is to it..
So, I let the lie come out of my mouth – I love you.

He was happy, and I was happy that he was happy.
And maybe this was forever, but I was confused.

I didn’t love him, I knew that, but what if I never found anybody better than him to love me.
And I really knew that he truly loved me.

But after a few months, and some distance – we fell apart.
Or, rather, my pretending fell apart.
He would call every day, he was sweet and hopeful and everything I could have ever asked for.
But I told him that we couldn’t do this anymore.
He asked me if there was somebody else, and there really wasn’t anybody else.

I told him he was perfect, that he couldn’t have loved me better.
I told him that it wasn’t his fault, it was honestly me.
And this was the most truthful I had every been with him.

But I don’t think he believed me – He thought there was someone else, he thought it was his fault, he thought all of my kind breaking-this-up words were just attempts to make him feel better.
But I was truthful, and I honestly knew he deserved someone who could return his love and kindness.
I wanted to at least LIKE him, and I tried really hard to, but I just didn’t.
And I don’t know why, but I guess that sometimes Mr. Meets-My-Criteria is not always Mr. Right.

We parted ways, he was still a sweetheart.
He’d call on my birthday, on Christmas, and sometimes randomly a few times a month.
We would talk about life, we would laugh about good memories, we were just friends.
But in his good-byes I knew it wasn’t okay.
He wasn’t okay, and I really, really needed him to be okay.

I broke his heart. He told me that.
I saw him a year later, and he hugged me, told me I looked better than ever.
He asked if I would have tea and dessert with him that day.
I figured that that was the least I could do for him.

I apologized. I said I needed to do it in person, rather than on the phone.
He asked me to stop, he said he forgave me a long time ago.
He said he wished that things didn’t end the way they did,
He said he wished things just didn’t end at all.
I said that I was surprised he didn’t hate me,
He said, “Honey, I could never hate you.”
I almost cried. He was too nice to me.

We dropped the topic of “us” and talked about other stuff.
He said he’d dated a few girls, and that they couldn’t compare with me.
I laughed, and told him that that was ridiculous.
He laughed, and thanked me for changing his standards.

It was a nice evening, with an old friend whose heart I broke.

He took me home, and I asked him to please forget about me.
He looked sad, really sad. He said he wouldn’t forget, but that he was learning to let go.
He wished me luck and happiness in my current relationship, and he was sincere.

He finally let go. He has found happiness. We’re both happy.
But I have yet to forgive myself for breaking a heart that was so kind to me.

And from this I learned a lesson:
I learned to trust my instincts.
I learned that you can’t force yourself to love someone.
I learned that just because someone is amazing, they may not be for me to keep.
I learned that being truthful is important, always.

 

12202011

Being Thankful for the Good, the Bad, and Everything in Between.

I am thankful.

My life thus far has not been perfect, but it has been beautiful.

I have been hurt by those dearest to me, I have been lied to by those whom I trusted with my life, I have been betrayed by those who swore to be there for me even if the world came crashing down.
I have been hurt.

I lost my hero to cancer, I lost a cousin to bad choices,
I lost a piece of my heart when they left this earth.
I have lost.

I believed that my best was not good enough, I have felt like an absolute failure, I have failed, I broke a heart, I made choices I later regretted.
I have cried.

But through the hurt, the loss, the tears I was given strength, wisdom, and a second chance (sometimes a third, a fourth, and so on…)
I learned that the fabric of trust is something that can be stitched together- and sometimes, the stitching  holds it together better than before it was torn.
But stitching it up – that’s work, patience, forgiveness, and humility.
I learned to value and love people when they are present, because people’s presence is more temporary than we want to believe.
I have learned to believe in myself, because God believes in me. He made me the way I am for a purpose, and my constant self-criticism was actually dishonoring Him.
I learned to be honest with myself and others – I learned to acknowledge my flaws, and battle them with prayer, support, and a positive attitude.

I am thankful – that God teaches me valuable life lessons through difficult situations.
He opens my eyes to the world as it is, rather than to the world I perceive it to be in my sheltered, every day life.
I am thankful, because I have been blessed beyond measure – with everything I could possibly need and so much more.
I have been blessed with a beautiful family and friends, who support me always – financially, spiritually, and mentally, whether I need the support or not.
I am grateful to a God who gives me wisdom when I ask for it and even when I don’t, who guides me in times of struggle, who offers me comfort in times of despair, who loves me – always.

By no means am I suggesting that I am always this grateful. I sometimes scream into my pillow out of frustration. I go on long runs when I am confused. I yell when I am angry. I say hurtful things to those who love me so very much when I am disappointed.
But all of this wears out my body and my soul – it makes me lose sleep, my appetite, and my enthusiasm to live every day as if it were a gift from Heaven.
At the end of all of my reactions to my struggles, I am exhausted and helpless.
And through all of this, God keeps saying “I’m here, I’m always here, I promise you I’m taking care of it.”
I believe Him, but I want solutions now.
But the solutions I seek, I soon find out, don’t involve my problems.
They involve my attitude about my problems.

I am not beautiful inside and out. But I want to be.
I want to be the kind of person who can face life and all of its chaos with love, courage, and wisdom.
I want to be grateful every single second of every single day – for the good, the bad, and everything in between
Because I am blessed beyond measure – I am the daughter of the King.

Things that make life worth it.

Things that make me happy. [Part 1]

– Love. Just loving people and being loved by people.

– Living. What a blessing.

– Praying to God. I know he always listens, even if my thoughts are a mess and I’m bawling and my words are all jumbled and I make no sense.

– God and his beauty and miracles. Serving God by serving others. It’s the best feeling in the world to do good, make someone smile, help someone in need, and to just be there for another person.

– Autumn weather, autumn air, autumn everything. Rain, lightning, thunder, sunshine, warm boots, warm clothing, jackets, umbrellas, rain boots, scarves, hats, tissues, stepping on crunchy leaves, jumping in puddles, being drenched while walking to/from your car, singing and dancing in the rain, fireplaces and warm blankets and good books and good company, hot tea, yummy deserts, apple pie, peaceful music, that feeling you get when you know your nose is slightly pink because it’s chilly outside, the beauty that is the sky after the rain with the clouds and rays of sunshine. Autumn everything.

– Breakfast. Breakfast food in the morning and late at night.

– Eating. I know it’s necessary and blahblahblah. But I just really like good food. I’m more of a European food fanatic. I love good pastries. I love meat. I love fine breads.I love real food. But sometimes I have intense cravings for sushi and chips and cheesburgers.

– Milk. I drink over 4 cups a day.

– Ketchup.

– My family. Even though they’re kind of loud, embarrassing, and drive me nuts at times, they mean everything.

– Best friends. Talks with best friends, hugs with best friends, laughs, smiles, tears. Just being with best friends….and all the “interesting” conversations and adventures.

– My boyfriend. I’m not going to brag, but he’s pretty much amazing.

– Smiling. Laughing. Living.

– People who make me laugh.

– Shy people. I like listening to them talk. Not surprisingly, they’re much more interesting than the ones who talk too much.

– Getting in Jerry (my car) and realizing that whichever family member borrowed my car last, filled it up with gas.

– Finding Jerry in a huge parking lot in less than five minutes!

– Writing. It is such a liberating experience.

– Getting mail. As in, letters and postcards and gifts. Definitely not bills and not postcards with photographs of nice beaches that say “Friendly Reminder – It’s that time again to visit your dentist for your annual check up!” Yeah, no thanks doc.

– Sappy love songs when I’m missing that special someone. They just make me miss him a lot more, but they help me sleep. [Learned this on my 5 week vacation]

– Owning designer jeans. Obsession. Enough said.

– Waking up and feeling pretty good about the way I look. This is rare.

– Waking up and actually getting up before the alarm clock goes off.

– Waking up in the afternoon versus before the afternoon.

– I said waking up three times, but that’s not what really makes me happy. It’s more like getting a good night’s sleep.

– Naps are a luxury.

– Watching the sunrise and the sunset. But I’d pick watching stars all night over seeing the sunrise or sunset any day.

– Roadtrips. With people who make me happy, of course.

– Learning. I love knowing things. I love people who can teach me something.

– Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory.

– Being nice to people when I feel angry/irritated/sad/etc. It makes me feel like I’m still capable of being a good person despite my personal issues.

– Making people smile. When people smile in general. I think everyone looks a million times better when they’re happy.

– That AH-HAH moment when you figure something out that has been on your mind for days.

– Google. It helps me avoid asking dumb questions that make people feel uncomfortable explaining. And it makes me feel like I know everything.

– Not sleeping alone.

– Going on adventures. I define adventure as: an unpredictable series of events that occur due to confusion, failed attempts to correct mistakes, boredom, etc. These series of events can result in either trouble, embarrassment, uncontrollable laughter, or minor injury of those both directly and indirectly involved, and of inanimate objects where applicable.